BLANK Blank ,yes blank and numb this is what I feel when I remember you as if I want to soak in grief that has never left me since you left us in 2008 March 30th.
I am writing this to share my pain with all of you who would stop by to read this for a few seconds surfing, passing time or exploring until you find something interesting and attractive enough to hold your attention for a while. Before you start imagining let me tell you that I am writing this for my younger brother Shailesh .
We were a family of five. My dad a banker, mother a housewife, I being the eldest one, spoilt that way with a younger sister who is an engineer and is doing very well for herself and my brother Shailesh. He did his mechanical Engineering from a renowned college of Gurgaon. I was totally unaware of the renowness of his college until I actually started noticing a beautiful best wishes quoted on a plastic sheet ( we keep it as a showpiece in our house still) which was probably given to him as a souvenir on his farewell from his college. Full of hopes, the first engineer of household he was often called, was a friend of friends. Barely two months in his job and I used to hear he helped lot of his friends to get jobs. Not that he was some amazing fantastic personality to die for.
He was just another average and common person like me you can pass by. He lost his life in a road accident. I was told He and his friend was driving towards Gurgaon. His friend survived and is happily married now .Just got to know his wife is expecting. This makes me wonder, angry ,this hurts ,maybe I am too overwhelmed with grief of my brother's death. I wonder He would have grown into a mature man if he was alive today !.. Do people grow after death in heaven or hell if it is....?.. or they stay as they were ,,,,,,,He died of head injury ,Brain dead they said ,They also told us even if he survives ,would be in vegetative state.I dread those two days in hospital waiting for the news of his death .I overheard one of the staff while handing over in ICU :this patient is in very critical position and have zero chances of survival.I was shattered when the doctor broke the news to me and my father.It felt surreal ,I felt as if stuck in a very bad dream.
I used to believe nothing can go wrong with good people. We obviously regard ourselves as good human beings .While in hospital Infact my younger sister asked with curiosity in her eyes and blind trust on her elder sister if anything can go wrong with us,I assured her don't worry we have done nothing wrong to others ,why would god do any wrong to us ?.....I was proved wrong . Dont know if she still has that trust on me , we never talk about it. I still have his post-mortem report kept in locker which I often see. I still don't see eye to eye with his survivor friend ,yes he visits our home often. My mother is okay with him maybe she is too big heart for this,the way mothers are kind and great ,,the way I am not and don't even feel to be like that, why sound bigger than life ,whats wrong if you are in pain and you make it too obvious for another person.I am myself a mother now but do not feel the same ,I wonder if I can be that great in this lifetime .. So many years have passed but my grief stands as it is .. people say time is a great healer but with each passing moment I feel more and more pain...No sympathy works here,I don't want either ,I am fine with my pain.Its mine only !
About Author / Additional Info:
I am an avid reader and write when I feel like ,I work with an event Management company