If you think that infidelity has invaded your marriage, then chances are something - not necessarily sexual infidelity - is encroaching on your turf, and it is making you feel uncomfortable.
Let's take a look at some of the more obvious signs of infidelity. Chances are you are noticing changes in your spouse's behavior. She or he is unreachable at times when they used to be reachable. There are times when your spouse is absent, and you never really know for sure where s/he is. A new name or a presence keeps popping up. Time spent on the computer has increased, and there is a secretive feeling to it. Your spouse quickly minimizes the screen as you approach, or you intercept suspicious messages.
When you suspect your spouse of infidelity, you begin spotting signs that have nothing to do with you. Your spouse has developed new interests that are not odd, in general, but strike you as odd because they are new to your spouse. Things like tracking an out-of-town sports team or noticing cultural events in a different city. If you share a car, you may find signs of someone else (a presence) having been there: the seat is repositioned. There are sunglasses that you've never seen before or a new lighter. Your spouse may keep a tight rein on his/her cell phone now, take calls in private or give cursory responses so as not to reveal the content of conversations. Your spouse may be taking a renewed interest in his/her appearance. At the same time, you are noticing there is a change in your sex life. You may be picking up on new fragrances or perplexing bills or notes. You may notice your spouse wearing accessories or clothing which they clearly value, but did not come from you.
How do you know that this is something real and not your imagination? Your gut is telling you something is wrong. You are finding signs that something is wrong and different. Instead of satisfying your concerns, your spouse's answers are heightening your suspicions. Again, you may not know what is wrong, but you are feeling on a gut level that something is wrong. Honor it. If you are someone who typically jumps to conclusions, slow yourself down. Ask yourself how this is different from other times you've been suspicious.
It is not unusual to be of conflicted mind about this. On some level, you probably don't want to know more and certainly don't want it to be true. Your mind may be keeping you from knowing what you, deep down, know ... even if you don't know the details. At the same time, your spouse has a vested interest in not having you know. That means you may well be living in Crazy-Making Land. Someone you love is telling you that what you are seeing isn't there. That's like a Bette Davis movie in your own home.
Your challenge is to honor yourself by accepting what you know to be true, based on your experiences. Be prepared for a rocky road. Whether you choose to stay together and work it out or split apart, there will be turbulence. Recognize that you are choosing to honor truth and integrity in order to make your life better. Seek the help of a qualified professional. A good therapist can help you make sense of what is going on for you and develop direction.
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