Why relationships are so hard - a droll commentary by a dullard....

I think one of the reasons relationships are so difficult, at least the one's I am familiar with between a man and a woman (as opposed to a mountain lion and a swordfish), is that people never really tell you what they want until it's too late.

I will give you a typical example. Let's say you are enjoying a slumber after a hard day's work. You have come home to complaining wife and screaming kids and have managed to down a vodka tonic to dull the pain. You've said your prayers and are off to la-la land. Then, say, oh I don't know, about 1 am you receive a little nudge on your shoulder.

At first you think it's just one of your softball buddies in your dream giving you a high five, but then the nudge turns to a groan and you realize somewhere in your subconscious that this particular yelp is coming from the "real world." With as much patience as you can scrounge up for the middle of the night, you roll over to find your wife seething mad. "What is it dear?" you hear yourself say. She says nothing. You figure it was just a trick of the senses, so you roll over again to fall back to sleep.

This time you hear a distinctive "Ahem!" Well, there's no mistaking it this time, your wide awake now, and getting fairly angry yourself. "Yes, hun, what is it?" She says nothing. Before you lose your temper you excuse yourself to get a glass of water. When you return, said wife is no where in sight. Okay, you think, she must be downstairs. Maybe she forgot to feed the cat. You don't hear her in the kitchen. Hmm, this is strange, you muse. You decide to take a little trip downstairs yourself and see what all the hubbub is about. No wife. No sounds.

Then, as if on cinematic cue, you hear the sound of your car being started. That's funny, you think, why would she be taking your car - she has her own. You march over to the living room window, just in time to see her backing over your brand new lawn mower. You're stunned. More by the fact that she continues to back over it again and again. Dumbfounded, you wait for the inevitable, her return.

Finally, she comes sauntering in as cool as ice cream. You look at her as if she is an alien being from another planet. She seems less angry at least. She gives you a satisfied look, the one you see about once a year after you've had sex, and skips upstairs. You stand there like an idiot waiting for the blood to return to your feet. From way upstairs you hear the faint voice of your adoring partner, "I told you ten times to move that lawnmower out of the driveway. Now maybe you'll remember." You see, people never tell you what they want until it's too late. And even when they do, nobody's listening to begin with.

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