They say time heals all wounds. I guess I know what that means but they never tell you how much time is needed to heal. Or, can you run out of time before you're healed? Regardless of hidden meanings behind this phrase, wounds to the heart and soul never heal. They can be covered up or forgotten but they can just as easily come to the surface when you least expect it. I guess we never forget so we can learn from the pain and guard against it in the future. I think that term was called "wall". Why in this world do we give every ounce and inch of our being to another person? Is unconditional love true or is there a condition that the other person must also give unconditional love? Huh? What? I guess you can find fallacy in all the innuendo's, phrases and sayings when the matter speaks of the heart. What's even more ironic is that those people who believe they are truly in love, unconditionally, etc...use these phrases the most. It's not till your heart is broken do you laugh at the thought of whoever invented them and how naïve they must've been while sitting under the apple tree feeding their partner with a hand picked apple. Did you see the worm? So where are all the phrases and sayings to help those with a broken heart and the feelings of loss and despair? How about going back to all the cardinal rules. Treat others as you would be treated!!! How easy is this phrase. It makes perfect sense, right? I love to be hugged, therefore I should hug. I love for my partner to never lie, therefore I should never lie. I love to feel special, wanted and respected, therefore, I should make them feel special, wanted and respected. This my friends is the only way to love. Forget all the myths about fate and things were meant to be. Love takes work!!! Yah, right!
How many of us love to get up at the crack of dawn and go to work? Instead, it takes those 3 simple words to always remember. "I therefore I" This is the secret I've learned that I must follow in any relationship I have moving forward. I'm like everyone else in that I meet someone I'm attracted to, they are attracted to me and then we spend the next months trying to find out if we are emotionally attracted to each other. Let's say you make it past the honeymoon stage. You know, the stage of infatuation where you can't wait to wake up and call them. Or, you bend over backwards to please them with gifts, small tokens of love, flowers, etc. You do everything together. You come home and eat dinner together, you go for walks together, you visit friends together. You have what you think is the most perfect relationship in the world and then you even brag to others about it.
Then one day, you both make conflicting appointments for the evening. You decide you want to meet your friends and they decide they want to go work out. We call this "alone time" or "me time". We all have been there. You know, where you don't have all of the energy to entertain your partner because you've had a long day at work. Or you find out the kid got detention so you're stressed that they won't make it in to medical school in 10 years. The point is, we become complacent and comfortable with our partners. The honeymoon is over. It's time to live. Get in to a routine and build some expectations. The expectations list grows longer and longer with our partners. It started off with the simple, "I expected you to call last night" or "I expected us to get together this weekend". All very simple expectations but after the honeymoon stage the list grows to, "I expected you to take out the trash" and "I expected you to pick up the slack on these bills". There's nothing wrong with the expectation list growing. That's because the relationship is growing. But inevitably, other emotions grow too. Resentment, disappointment, discouragement all are normal emotions and behaviors...to be expected. I remember a religion teacher once told the class, "if you don't fight with your spouse, then you are lying to each other." I found that there's so much truth to this phrase. I mean, there aren't two people in this world that can spend life together and agree on every single aspect of life. Disagreeing is a natural form of communication. How we communicate the disagreement is always the problem. Doing it wrong will lead you down the path of disappointment, discouragement and resentment. So how do you know if it's worth it to accept these inherent flaws in a relationship or to just move on to the next partner and see if you can do it better? When do you give up? Should you give up? These questions plague us right after a bad argument happens. More questions...when is "Dating" no longer dating and it becomes "Relationship'ing"? Many people would argue, when it becomes an intimate encounter. Well, lets be a little more 21st century here. As idealistic as it is, both male and females have physical desires. Not one person in a typical adult relationship gets ready to be intimate with their partner for the first time and says, "You know this means we aren't dating anymore. We are in a relationship if we do this." Or do they say, "I've given myself to you so therefore, you have to only be with me now". Yes, there's truth to this for health reasons and morals and scruples we've grown up with. But the gap lies between the interpretation of a physical encounter and what it means for a relationship to begin and dating to cease.
What is dating? Dating depending on context means, continuing to introduce yourself to potential partners in hopes to find a connection that will sustain long term happiness. Okay, that's my definition. Others would argue, "I've been dating this person for so long now that I can't believe we aren't married". So here lies another conflict of thoughts and ideas about a relationship. Dating to one means a committed relationship. So why don't they say, "I've been in a relationship with this person for so long we might as well be married". All I can say is, these cloudy definitions and sayings need to be aired out with your partner swiftly. Don't' wait for the confusion to blow up. Sure, we keep secrets from our partner in hopes to understand what our focus is and to ensure we are making the right decisions for the long term. We don't intentionally want to hurt our partners so we can figure this stuff out. But if you "date" others and your partner expects "relationship'ing" then this inevitably leads to disaster, loss of trust, resentment, anger, betrayal, etc.
I'm no expert but I've taken a long look at my despair from a recent loss breakup. I lost someone who I thought was my life long partner to a mistake of making sure they were my partner for life. I emailed the ex!!! Yikes!!! And I was caught!!! Yikes!!! The trust disappears. The resentment grows. Everything you can do to repair is all in vain. It hurts and the hurt keeps growing. You blame yourself and every morning you wake up saying, "you're so stupid!!!". You beg for forgiveness and try to explain in so many different ways in hopes to confuse your partner enough to give in, forgive and forget. Let's be honest folks, if I had followed the 3 word phrase, "I therefore I" and explained my interpretation of "Dating" and "Relationship'ing", we might have survived. But I didn't and now the wedge is as big as the Grand Canyon. Another stage in my life, another memory of something great where a black cloud now creates a lasting overcast. Where to go from here? As I type this up, I realize I can't undo the wrongs. But I can review the wrongs and make rights for the future. So I guess, I'll start off with the 3 simple words with the next person who makes it past the wall and into my life. "I love the way you love me, therefore I will love you the way want to be loved."
About Author / Additional Info:
Just a person who lost a love.