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Attracting the Wrong People

BY: Lauren Trecosta | Category: Relationships | Submitted: 2010-04-20 13:07:02
 
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Why do I always attract people who are not good for me?

Dear Reader:

We can only speculate about what makes you attractive to people who are not good for you in relationships. We may have better success if we take a look at what makes you attracted to people who are not good for you in relationships.

Perhaps, a good place to start is to examine 1) what you want in a partner, and 2) what goals you have for a relationship. Next, consider what needs you hope to have satisfied through your relationship. How do you satisfy those needs - or do you satisfy those needs -- when you don't have a relationship?

It sounds like you may see a pattern to your relationships. What is that pattern?

Finally, there are many reasons why you may attract - or be attracted to - people who are not good for you

Let's assume, for starters, that you are choosing these partners because you believe they will meet some need of yours. The twist is that they may be meeting a need that you haven't clearly identified. That is, perhaps, in addition to wanting a loving relationship, you are feeling lonely or have low self-esteem. Perhaps, you are feeling meek and timid and want to someone else to be in charge and make the decisions. Or the reverse could be true: you are feeling afraid and feel you must have control, or you will lose all control.

It is okay to have any of those feelings, although they don't typically feel good. The point is that we can only satisfy a need when 1) we know what need we are trying to satisfy, and 2) you are taking responsibility for satisfying that need yourself and not imagining that someone else will be able to satisfy it for you.....

I will be happy to discuss this further with you. In your response, please reflect on the italicized items.

Best Regards,
Lauren Trecosta, LPC

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